#18: Drifting away
Escaping the conversation
👋 Hi friends, it's Hesam with issue #18 of 4 bits. 4 bits is a biweekly newsletter where I share thoughts and musings on how to build memorable experiences.
As I was writing this issue, a friend that I hadn’t seen in years walked into the coffee shop I was sitting in.
What started off as a brief hello turned into a 2 hour conversation that included friends, family, life, and everything in between. I was so focused on the conversation that I lost track of time.
Some of the best conversations are unexpected, free flowing, and with no expected ending. Unlike the surface level conversations I mention below, they linger in your head for hours or days after.
Drifting away
I'm planning my escape as soon as I enter the conversation.
It's Saturday night, and the bar is packed. The music is at an uncomfortably loud level, making it difficult to hear someone who's more than 10 inches away from you.
People are climbing over each other to get to the front of the bar to capture the bartender's attention. The sound of a glass shattering in the background doesn't seem to bother anyone; inevitably, a barback will magically appear out of nowhere and make the mess disappear in seconds.
I'm no longer DJing. Instead, I'm managing operations for the front of the house of what can best be described as a bar/club that plays rock music.
Sometimes I'm at the front door checking IDs. Other times I'm making drinks when the bar is two to three rows deep. But most of the time, I'm running around the place as if I'm in some weird combination of Diner Dash and Frogger. I'm dodging people in my way and trying to get from one part of the bar to another, doing what needs to be done at the moment to keep the bar operating smoothly.
Throughout the evening, between trips dashing around the place, I have to talk to people. I talk to 50-100 people over the course of an evening. This job would be terrible for an introvert or someone who doesn’t like random conversations.
My high school theater experience and failed acting career has prepared me for this moment. It starts with a handshake or hug, then quickly switching modes depending on the situation: feigning excitement when I see someone who hasn’t visited in a while, consoling a regular when they share their recent breakup story, or kindly explaining to the owner’s friend why they can’t get another free drink.
As much as I enjoy seeing these people and connecting with them, I can't stay. There’s work to be done. I'm doing my best to drift away, both through body language and how I’m carrying the conversation. I’m trying to not get too caught up in a story or something that will keep me there too long.
How do I show that I’m interested and that I appreciate them coming while keeping the conversation short? How do I stay focused on the conversation while I’m thinking about what I have to do next?
Whether it’s a dinner party, a holiday gathering, or an event that you’re hosting, you’ll likely find yourself in a situation where you have many people to talk with but not enough time. Navigating a surface level conversation is more an art than a science. It requires finding a balance between having just enough conversation and not too much depth.
I assume you get better with repetition and regular practice. A person that hosts parties or events all the time has likely mastered this art. They swiftly work a room with grace and finesse.
And as I head into the holidays where there will undoubtedly be these types of conversations, I’m reminded of the many hours running around that bar, managing logistics while simultaneously trying to have a fast conversation with someone. I’m disappearing back into the crowd at the earliest chance I can get.